WHAT IF YOU LISTENED FIRST?
What if you only listened first?
Welcome to the Different Skill Notebook, a smart parenting tool equipping families with thinking, social, emotional, and behavioral skills for life. Our Center has been open 13 years ago, and 3 years ago, we started a Brick Club at the Social Mind Center. Brick Club is a social club where we gather to build LEGOs together. Our Brick Club is part of the Brick-by-Brick® programme by Play Included. Our moderators have all undergone certified facilitator training. See the link below.
In reflecting over the last few years of having our Brick Club, I wanted to share the most important thing that I have learned that has impacted all my relationships with the countless neurodivergent and autistic individuals in my life.
Listening first has strengthed the connection and trust in every neurodivergent relationship in my life.
Recently we changed our process for new members joining the Brick Club. On a new member first visit we allow them to explore the Center and decide how they want to learn about our club.
Just a few months ago we started to be more intentional about our first time visitors to brick club. I will share one of our recent members visits. Mom was very unsure whether they should visit Brick Club. She was uncertain how her son would manage. She shared with me that they had many negative experiences at other similar activities and therapies, and she was afraid. I said I was sorry to hear that, but when you come to the Center, we do not look like a traditional therapy Center. We look more like a community center. Also, when you arrive, many kids will be building in groups with thousands of LEGOs everywhere. I also gave her an exit strategy, meaning they could leave at any time, step outside, and then reenter. I shared what to expect with her visit. When you come in, we will follow his lead. I will introduce myself and let him know he can look around until he feels comfortable.
Mom, although hesitant, came. They walked in just fine, but Bria just wanted to observe. I said Brian, feel free to go anywhere you want in the Center and look around. After a few minutes, I asked him if he would like to build or watch today. He signaled watch. As time passed, he got closer and closer to one of the group’s buildings. He started to engage with the group by commenting on the build. After a while longer, he sat down with the group. Brian stayed the whole time with his mom present. Brian is an active member of the club now. He happens to be quite the master builder.
It took a few weeks for him to get comfortable and share about himself. I learned that removing all expectations for the first visit and giving them time to settle puts them at ease. When you allow them the space, enough time, and focus on listening, the anxiety decreases.
This experience confirmed what I had been experiencing over the last year. Our sessions are much more engaging when you stay quiet and listen. There will be time to teach and play, but the priority is to connect. We can build trust in this connection; once we have trust, we can teach. Brian had many fearful experiences in the past. This time, we allowed him to lead his first day. Always assume competency, good intentions, and respect that while this child may not navigate an environment as you would, it does not mean they are not incapable. By the second visit, Brian was building with a group. We often have birthday celebrations in Brick Club for any member who has a birthday. We bring treats and sing Happy Birthday! On Brian’s second visit, we had a birthday celebration. Mom was concerned about how he would react to all the kids and parents congregating in the same room. I had given him advance notice when he arrived and noticed the treats. I explained how and when we would carry on the celebration. He did awesome because we allowed him to position himself where he felt comfortable during the celebration. Giving choices makes a world of difference. Mom started crying; she said I have never witnessed an interaction or response from him like this.
Our priority should be to connect!
Taking a step back your first time meeting the child is critical. The first time should not be to jump right into a task or to teach. Listening shows respect for their needs and helps you have a perspective on what their needs are. When a new member comes to our Brick Club, we have witnessed many have anxiety, and fear mostly about the unknown. They don’t know what to expect, which can be very scary. I would say that it is the same for parents. Allowing them to visit without expectations is an excellent way to get everyone acquainted with the wonderful Brick Club experience. Now every interaction I have in the brick club and at the Center daily is focused with listening. Listening to someone intently is one of the most helpful things that we can offer any person. I hope that the autistics and neurodivergent children/teens that I have worked with have learned as much from me as I have learned from them.
